No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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