my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
