I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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