just tell him i said nine months
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
