My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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