so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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