How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
