All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Randomize
