Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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