Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
