1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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