No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
