I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
