I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
