Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
