the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
