The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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