Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
