He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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