Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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