She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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