God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
