Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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