You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
