Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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