I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
