just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
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My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
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Enjoy the penises
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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