My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
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I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
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Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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