Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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