Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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