Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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