It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
