Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
