brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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