Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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