at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
