So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
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No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
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You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize