she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
he had hair everywhere except his balls
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
