I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
