I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Randomize
