In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I would ride that face into the sunset
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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