I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
