My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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