I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
