Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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