Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
