i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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