i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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