bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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