dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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