turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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