I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
