dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
