The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
